Sunday, March 2, 2008
It's Not All About the NumbersI have a confession to make. I'm a chronic scale junkie. I weigh myself everyday, first thing in the morning right after I use the bathroom. Normally, it keeps me on track. I understand weight fluctuations, so seeing the scale fluctuate a few pounds here or there doesn't really bother me normally. But this week, it's got me shaking my head and I do find myself getting frustrated. I just don't get it.
I'm attempting to think about goals for this next week and I've thought about not stepping on the scale at all, other than my Monday morning weigh-in (which I consider my "official" weigh-in). But I'm still on the fence ~ I'm not sure I could stay off for a whole week. And I don't want to set myself up to fail. But on the other hand, I've been so frustrated with the numbers lately that maybe a week of not seeing them and not wondering would do me good. See what I mean about being on the fence?
I know my journey isn't all about the numbers on the scale. In hindsight, I really wish I had taken measurements when I first started this journey. I wish I'd allowed people to take my picture because then I'd have visuals. But that's the thing with shame. I felt such shame at how I looked I didn't want any reminders. And the thing that saddens me the most is Kiddo because she and I have such an exceptional relationship, I know she just wanted pictures of someone she loved. But I robbed her of that.
I saw someone yesterday that I hadn't seen in months. She was smiling and so happy when she hugged me and said, "Look at you! You're so skinny!" Now, normally I'd say "Thank you, but......" (pick your ending here)..."I still have a lot to lose", "I'm nowhere near where I want to be", but, but, but, but, but. Last night, I simply said "Thank you." That's something I'm working on.
My Mom calls my almost everyday to tell me how proud she is of the journey I'm on. She's so proud, in fact, that she's started her own journey and now calls me for guidance just about as much as calls me to tell me how proud she is. My sister brags to everyone we know about how well I'm doing. She's thought about doing this journey as well, but right now she's focusing on quitting smoking ~ then there's the fact that she manages a Chinese Restaurant and she's just not sure how well she'd do with all the smells, etc. I can understand that. If I'm surrounded by foods that I choose not to have but that I really want, I'd tend to get crabby. At least in the beginning. I'm not sure it would bother me now.
Then there's the fact that I now can shop anywhere for my clothes ~ not just the plus sections. Or the fact that I've had to clean out my closet twice now because my clothes are just too big. Or the fact that there were four coats my mom gave me 2 or 3 years ago that I've never been able to fit into. They fit now. Or the outfits that Mom gave me about the same time she gave me the coats. Most of them fit now. There are still a few I want to be able to get into, but for the most part they all fit.
My point, I guess, is that those are things I should be focusing on. Not the numbers on the scale. But that's another journey. I'm getting there.
